


Cult Leaders versus Cartoonists

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bonding, F/M, Incest, Nostalgia, Personal Grooming, Referenced Allison Hargreeves/Ray Chestnut, Referenced Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts, hair cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Diego and Allison talk about some things.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 10
Kudos: 55





	Cult Leaders versus Cartoonists

**Author's Note:**

> Charles Manson and Jonestown are both mentioned, but not gone into detail.

"Shit," Diego said, and Allison nearly jumped. 

"What?" She hovered the scissors over him, one chunk of dark hair dropping down to the floor.

"My girlfriend might not like this," he said. "Well. Sort of."

"She sort of might not like it?" Allison asked, frowning. 

"No, she sort of might be my girlfriend. Maybe. I don't know." Diego leaned heavily into the seat, and he met her eyes in the mirror. "Are you gonna continue?"

"I dunno. Do you want me to?" 

"I feel like you kind of have to at this point. It'll look dumb if I've got some of it cut but not the rest of it," said Diego.

"Y'know, you could've said something _before_ I'd gotten started," said Allison. She took another bit of hair between her fingers and cut that as well. More black strands, drifting down to the floor like dusty snow.

"Why are you still doing it, if you're worried?" Diego had the good sense to wait until she wasn't holding the scissors so close to his head before he turned around to look her in the face. 

"You never let looking dumb stop you before," Allison said serenely, and she put both hands on either side of his head, moving him into position "Stop moving, or I'll mess something up."

"That was a low blow," Diego grumbled, but he let her turn his head, facing forward. 

"What are sisters for?" Allison asked. She took his hair between two fingers, and cut off another chunk. "What have you been washing your hair with, industrial bleach?"

"If I'd been washing it with bleach, it'd be blond," Diego protested. "I've been using whatever they've been giving me at the institution." 

"Yeesh. No wonder people stay crazy." The scissors made a quiet rasping sound, as she cut another piece of hair. Then, a little quieter; "if you washed it properly, it'd probably look nice." 

"It isn't a good idea to have it all long like this," said Diego. "I'd end up looking like an escaped mental patient." 

"Are you kidding? You're ahead of the curve. Long hair is about to be super in. Look at Klaus." She leaned over him, and she could feel him tense up as her breasts pressed against his shoulders, her own hair ticklish against his cheek. 

"Nah," said Diego. "I don't think I can pull off the crazed cult leader look."

"In fairness," said Allison, "neither can he." She gave his hair a little spritz of water, combed it down. 

Diego gave a snort of laughter. "I'd say it was a job he was born for," he said. "He's got the crazy eyes down, the beard, the incoherent rambling..."

"Why are you so gung ho about Kennedy, anyway?" More snipping. "I'd think it'd be simpler to go after Charles Manson or... I dunno, who was the guy with the Kool Aid?" 

"Chuck Jones," Diego said. 

"No," said Allison, "didn't he do the Loony Toons?" She'd taken a good inch off now, all around. His hair was damp against her fingertips as she carefully began to comb it again. 

"Since when do you know about cartoons?" Diego shivered, as her cool fingers trailed down the back of his neck. She could feel the goosebumps breaking out, all the little hairs standing on end.

"Ray likes 'em," said Allison. She was struck by a sense memory - sitting on the couch with Ray, watching Roadrunner, her feet in his lap, the warmth from the cup of coffee in her hands sinking into her skin. 

And now she didn't know where he was, or what he was doing. If he would ever forgive her. 

"Wanna know a secret?" Diego's voice cut through her thoughts, and she blinked. He had met her eyes in the mirror, and his expression was concerned. 

Concerned always meant "vaguely constipated" on him, but it was the thought that counted. 

"Is it about your secret stash of dirty magazines under your mattress? Because we all knew about those." Another snip. 

"How did you -" Diego began, then frowned. "It was Ben, wasn't it?"

"Yep," said Allison. Another snip. "So was that your secret?"

"No," said Diego. "My secret was... okay. Remember those educational cartoons Dad used to make us watch?" 

"Yeah," said Allison. She remembered some of them, vaguely; little grinning anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables dancing, claymation teeth dancing through a mouth, instructional videos about the dangers of crossing the road. 

"So when I first moved out, the place I stayed had a communal TV, right? So I went to the library, and I took out all those movies Dad always called frivolous. And all the cartoons - spent three days watching Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd and Flintstones and all of them.” Diego grinned, and it made his face younger. Sweeter. It made her chest tight. 

“That sounds nice,” said Allison, lacking anything else to say. 

“But,” said Diego, “I got homesick sometimes, and then… well, I’d go to the library, pick out those weird educational ones. Reminded me of some of the good times. Sort of.”

“There’s something super pathetic about the best times in our lives being related to when fake creepy teeth told us to eat our vegetables,” said Allison, her tone thoughtful. 

Diego tensed up, his fists bunching up on the arms of the chair. 

“I used to get cravings for that horrible oatmeal,” Allison said quickly. “The kind that had the… what was it Dad added, bee pollen?”

“No, that’s in those trendy smoothies,” said Diego. “It was flaxseed.”

“I’m surprised you don’t want to keep the long hair just to piss off Dad,” said Allison. “He always had a bug up his butt about long hair on guys.”

“He always said it would be too grabbable,” said Diego. “Although that never seemed to be a problem with you.”

“Dad was all about image,” said Allison. “I’d make a bad action figure if I had short hair.”

“I think it’d look good,” said Diego, “If you wanted to, I mean. Although you always manage to look good.” 

Allison wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She did another pass around his head, cutting more hair. It was getting closer to the way it used to look, back when they were all at their own time. 

“So what’s your girlfriend, like?” Allison asked, lacking anything else to say. 

“She’s… something,” said Diego. He was smiling a little, his eyes wrinkling around the edges. “I don’t know if she’s my girlfriend.” 

“She’s enough of your girlfriend for you to worry about what she’ll think of your haircut,” said Allison. “But she doesn’t have complaints about the beard, I notice.” She ran her palm over her jaw, her fingers combing through the rough hair. 

“It makes me look rugged,” he said, and he puffed his chest out. “Manly.”

“If by manly you mean crazed hobo,” said Allison. “Or maybe werewolf.” 

“Weren’t you saying that I should embrace the hippie look?” Diego asked.

“There’s a difference between hippie and werewolf,” said Allison. “D’you want me to do the sides extra short like before, too?” 

“Yeah,” said Diego. “She’s nice,” he added.

“Nice is good,” said Allison. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling, as she picked up the clippers. There was always that little bite of jealousy, whenever one of them had some new hanger on. Someone who wasn’t one of them. 

They had been their own small unit for such a long time that involving other people seemed… wrong. Perverse. Which was going about it the wrong way, all things considered, but it wasn’t a feeling she wanted to look at too closely. Especially not now. 

“Does your husband know you’re a bigamist?” Diego asked, breaking Allison out of her thoughts. 

“Are you _really_ going to antagonize the woman holding clippers?” Allison turned them on for emphasis, and they buzzed loudly in the empty beauty parlor. 

“You wouldn’t ruin my good looks,” Diego said brightly. “As if you could.”

“I think you just want to show off that dumb scar,” said Allison, and her fingers traced over the ridge of it. 

“If you had a scar this cool, you’d wanna show it off too,” said Diego. His hand came up to cover her own, pressing it against his temple.

She sighed, and their eyes met in the mirror. “I don’t know if I could pull off the side shave,” she said. 

“D’you want me to try?” Diego’s eyes flicked from the clippers in Allison’s hand to her own eyes in the mirror. 

“Get a few more drinks in me, and I might agree.” Allison pressed the clippers against Diego’s temple. and more hair rained down. 

“You drink too much,” Diego scolded.

Allison snorted. “And again. Antagonizing the one holding the clippers,” said Allison, because this wasn’t a conversation she felt like having. 

“I like to live dangerously,” Diego said. 

Allison passed the clippers over the scar over his temple. “Evidently,” she said dryly. “Just try not to get yourself killed.” 

“I’d say the same to you,” Diego fired back. 

“Definitely keep it in mind,” said Allison, and she passed the clippers along the back of his head, sending more hair raining down onto the floor.


End file.
